Courtesy of Jackman’s Landing
Oh Lordy. I went to see Van Helsing this evening. I had a great time. In my non-existant list of great comic films it is nowhere for the length of laughs produced. Not up there with say Ace Ventura: Pet Detective or Manhattan but for the sheer number of laughs it must be right near the top. With Singin’ in the Rain. The minor problem was that most laughs were very unintentional.
Now, I really enjoyed The Mummy but The Mummy Returns was very very bad. I love Brendan running about doing his Indy Lite routine but the man is not a miracle worker. Van Helsing is just as bad but somehow I really enjoyed laughing at all the unintentional bad lines, bad cgi and bad continuity. I am no continuity queen nor usually am I one of those pathetic geeks that pick holes in every pixel, polygon or wireframe. If the story and acting is good enough it does not matter. Or, as in the case of the Hulk you have eye candy running around in various states of undress, I am prepared to overlook such small transgressions as a non-existant plot or bad acting. The first ten minutes of VH are very good. Schlocky, black and white goodness ahoy.
The rest of the film not so good. The “actors” in Van Helsing did not seem to know what to do. Some behaved splendidly, all camp and overacting, others seemed to struggle with their “motivation.” I liked Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) in his shiny riding boots, frock coat and long dark hair (Oldman Lite) but the love interest (Kate Beckinsale) just pissed me off. And not just because she got a bit of quick lip-lockage with Van Helsing. Tottering about in corset and heels is not the same as being bedecked in sandals and crop top in a sai fight against a defiled Priest’s lovah. Anna is no Evie. Evie could be ditzy yes, but at the same time clever and strong, or at least she was before Imhotep Returned. Oh, and her bloody continuity killing hair. Carl the monk (David Wenham) with the monk-y hair started off badly but gained the John Hannah comedy sidekick with brains thing as the film progressed. Faramir looked disturbingly small in comparison to the statuesque Gabriel Van H, proving once again the urban legend that the men of LotR look terrible outside of Middle Earth. Dracula was not really very threatening nor creepy but he did what was needed playing it more or less straight as the bad guy. The Brides sighed and simpered efficiently with all the heaving bosoms expected of their roles but Mr Sommers, just because you did the jaw lengthening thing in The Mummy does not mean it is particularly clever to roll it out again. I just wanted good old fangs thanks. No cgi crap. And where was the blood? You’ve got to have some claret adorning the lips of the vamps for that “look at me, my mouth is oozing bodily fluids, aren’t I erotik” look. We got a drop on Beckinsale (is she ever going to make a good movie? do I really care?) but that’s about the size of it.
The music was bizarre. Lurching from rehashed Mummy score to twangy East European kitsch.
Oh and the accents… Where oh where was Hugh supposed to hail from? Cork via Sydney via Boston? Anyone? Drac’s one was as expected and okay, the Brides were as expected but once again, wooden old Beckinsale brings up the rear. Will Kemp you need to work on your emotional range- blank to uncomfortable is not all encompassing. The best person in this was Frankenstein’s Monster, Shuler Hensley. I felt sorrow for the Sharp Featured Man. Even through the tonne of makeup and prostheses I thought he was the most beliveable character. Not that a fantasy/comedy/disaster has to be believeable but his performance seemed to sit just right. He also slipped in a few choice camp moments. Whenever I saw his green heart in a globe I automatically thought he had a Persil Liquigel capsule stuck on him. The costume was good in a monstery way but the cgi green electricity buzzing out his head was just distracting. Shuler Hensley played the wonderfully creepy Jud Fry (he’s just misunderstood) in the National Theatre version of Oklahoma! starring Hugh Jackman and Maureen Lipman. Well worth a rental if you’re into your musicals or Jackman. Who the hell isn’t?
On that subject- Darn it, I wanted more Wolverine-esque topless running about. Towards the end of VH he strips off for action and he is just fiine. It just amazes me how, er, broad he is. In muscle like. All wet and ready to battle the Count mwah mwah mwah. That end face off between Drac and Gabe just sucked. I want Roxburgh vs Jackman, not flappy unfollowable mess vs furry scrabbly thing.
The end had me thinking “He’s not dead. He’s not dead. No. No. He’s not dead. Noooo!” back when Carl was looking a little more dirty and photogenic. And the final scene- WTF? Ponderings on mortality and the afterlife are not supposed to exist in this movie. And God help us all if there’s a sequel, but at least we’ll get some entertainment out of it at the expense of our cultural souls.
