A day in school and associated trip to Tate Modern (8am-10pm) left me shattered and several grams heavier courtesy of Los Amorales by Carlos Amorales and Lucha Libre: Masked Superstars of Mexican Wrestling. I got to make my first lino cut (of a lucha mask) too. ¡Sexo y violencia!
Then eleven glorious uninterrupted hours in bed before being made to feel furious by the behaviour of someone I really shouldn’t get worked up over. I wasn’t bothered at first because it was just another example of their standard operating procedure but the more the afternoon progressed, the more the anger built up.
I would like to state that I am a non-violent person. I have only ever hit whilst wearing boxing gloves and in a controlled situation. Usually any anger I feel is turned inwards or taken out in rants or assaults of inanimate objects (walls, lockers etc). In the past I have used self-harm as a form of emotional punishment to deal with the supression. Just hurting myself and no-one else.
I never wanted to inflict myself upon the angst-inducing individual in question; I tended to crumple into tears or internalize all the anger. As you can see I’m bucking that trend here (I haven’t spoken to said person). There have been times however which I remember very well when I’ve wanted to attempt to beat the shit out of someone (or at least land a nice left) and I’ve just been so very very mad I’ve struggled to keep myself under control:
1. One particular time my father criticised and humiliated me whilst seated at the family dinner table. I remember my face burning with indignation and the texture of the tasteless salad and potatoes in my numbed, dry mouth. I thought about picking up the pepper grinder next to me and hitting him in the head.
2. I hated history lessons at secondary school and would put minimal effort into any homework set. One lesson the teacher called me up to her desk at the front of the class and told me that my work had been continuously unsatisfactory and that I would be getting a detention so I could do the work after school. Again with the upwelling of anger, burning face and dry mouth. I floated back to my desk and whilst my friends quietly consoled me I proceeded to bite my biro in half.
3. Due to the tube being slow I was a half-hour late for my appointment at Into You. I consequently thought I had blown my deposit and my booking and felt a nearly overwhelming urge to attempt to punch out the tube train’s window.
4. The Lippy incident
Most of these incidents have involved humiliation (usually public) and a deep sense of injustice and perceived unfairness. I have had ample excuse to work stiff but damn it, I’m just too good-natured.
