I am beginning to lose hope about MW#1… things dragging on as they are is slowly crushing my spirit… discussions not had, feeling like I am the biggest fool in the world for caring. The usual.
Thing is, I can theorise as Doktor Monky ’til the cows come home, but unless I actually have a conversation with the person all this writing is ultimately pointless. I can write about how my analytical nature exists because I found out at a young age that pretty much everything my father told me was bullshit and i’ve carried through this testing for truth through to adulthood; I loved someone before and all they did was abuse my trust by sugar-coating their repeated lies.
Given that MW#1 broke my heart before with a smile on his face, I am slow to trust his compliments; I am however desperate to believe he is sincere, to believe in the goodness, and I think he is being so at the moment.
Judgemental? Well, i’ve less answer for that… given that i’m not entirely sure what he means by this I can’t work at fixing the problem. Do I judge his manwhoring? I always thought I was pretty good about that. Maybe he means I judge him on his actions in regards to me? I think I have been reasonable and have made a conscious effort to try and be as least psycho as I can possibly be; when others are judging him negatively I try and defend and explain.
Maybe he thinks I judge him because of his job (rubbish)… maybe because he is taking his time deciding (no problem as long as he keeps me updated)… maybe my mocking of him seems hurtful (banter, baby)… Do I judge every single thing he says and does? If this is the case then it’s partly down to the uncertainty of everything, partly because so much has been left unspoken. Does my writing here affect his view of me; does the analysis scare him?
All I know is that a void would be left in my life if he were not in it.
I’m just feeling terribly blue about the whole situation… I’d like things to be as sorted as they can be. Of course if this means I find he doesn’t care for me in the way I care for him then I will be so incredibly sad… he means an awful lot to me, I think he’s awesome and think he could be an excellent partner-in-crime… but not knowing how things stand is torturous- at least if he doesn’t care for me I can mourn and work on trying to move on.
I think it will be difficult to stay friends, which is a shame given that i’ve known him for so many years and we’ve shared so much, but I can only take my heart being broken so much.
