So how is my break from MW#1 going? Well… sort of.
For the first two weeks I was all, “Oh, I feel *nothing*” “I’m glad not to have to think about that all the time” “It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders…” When I took him off MSN I felt relieved, as I wouldn’t have to endure the game of “Is he going to talk to me today?” that had been the norm of late. I didn’t spend weekends moping because I knew he wasn’t going to contact me about going out and I kept myself busy by meeting up with Doctor Shrunk, Caversham Princess, Bobby Convey, Leia Ewok Village and Flambé. Occasionally he popped up in my thoughts, but it was more in a pondering the future way without conjuring much upset. I made it through the usual hormonal angst when I would usually be feeling sad and pine most terribly; generally time passed uneventfully and I pondered on…
… until the weekend of week two when I began to feel the twinges of missing him. Quelle horreur! I thought, and ever since then his existence and the non-consensual arrangement have been floating far more prominently in my mind. UGH. Whereas a couple of weeks before I went to bed alone and rather content, now I lie awake post-DS wishing I could feel his warm fuzzyness against my back or that I could curl up against him and feel small and looked-after. I miss his easy company, his manfur, the smell of his skin, however…
…at the same time as I lie there, I think of the reasons that led me to decide to have a break in the first place and the *myriad* problems with both his behaviour and the non-consensual arrangement; I am reminded just how deeply frustrated and unfulfilled I feel and how this reaches across so very many aspects of our interactions. I could go on but I won’t. Anyway, a few more weeks to go; I have no idea what will happen when I become visible to radar again…
I’d like very much to talk to him and share my thoughts but so far he has been resolutely appalling at commenting- My letting him know about my time away was met with no reply and a similar response was meted out to my texts about him letting me know if anything major happens. Much sighing and eye rolling all round…
