Monthly Archives: February 2012

Yay! Good hair :)

Woke up at 5am today and couldn’t get back to sleep. So much for getting a better night’s kip…

Watching
My Dog Tulip and thinking of
Meathead.

Eeee!

It’s brilliantly evocative stuff, encapsulating the joys and frustrations of getting to know a dog.

I miss
Meathead muchly…

Having a look at my site stats, I noticed that one of the sites that referred to this one was devoted to the art and reasoning behind having an affair; the Tumblr then linked to a site that was specifically for the discussion of affair having, with tips on how to go about it. Topics included “I Cheated On My Husband To Secure Better Genes For My Children”. Niiiiiice.

Affairs are wrong. I think you should be straightforward with your partner, communicate with them if there’s a problem and move forward; doing things on the sly seems wrong to me. Don’t put yourself in situations where you could act on temptation and talk to your partner before you seek outside of the relationship; if it’s some sort of polyamourous arrangement you seek then do it *before* you act on your desires. I do *completely* understand however, that life is imperfect, and things are never easy; for a variety of reasons, sometimes divorce or separation is not an option.

I’m a bit creeped out that someone was looking at the Tumblr and then clicked onto nopoke. Ik.

Anyway, wine with my pizza this evening and hopefully a relatively early night i.e. under the covers *before* motherfucking midnight. I’m super tired.

Thinking further on my previous post: I trust Coppell. I know that if the shit hit the fan in an epic manner, he’d move heaven (we don’t believe in) and earth to make things happen. He’s not my white knight riding in to rescue me, but if there was a problem, yo, he’d solve it :)

Coming from a family where so much was left unsaid and where hiding your feelings was the order of the day, and having only been in dysfunctional relationships before, i’m still a bit of a skittish horse on some of the smaller aspects of our relationship.

I feel a bit temporary at times. I call him my “Significant Other” or “Person of Interest” because I feel very awkward calling him my boyfriend; we are in a committed relationship but I feel like we’ve been prevented from starting the relationship “proper” ‘cos of the distance involved. This is stupid, because again, he’s got my back and i’ve got his. We’ve not spent very much time together but through the wonders of modern technology we’ve spent hours in each other’s company. He’s been incredibly good at calling and keeping up with how I am.

I can still find it hard to engage with him. Having come through two relationships where I felt like I had to hide my feelings and was always afraid to act physically on how I felt, I still find it hard to give myself permission to do what I want. When Coppell pays me a compliment, my first instinct is to roll my eyes and mutter an embarrassed thanks; it’s like I don’t believe what he says.

Why? I respect and admire him, value his opinion and his patience. So if I do so when he’s talking about laptops or political issues, why not respect his opinion when he compliments me? What the fuck, monky? I don’t understand…

My self esteem is stronger than it has been in many a year. There are more positives than negatives when taking stock of my personality and features. Why be a bitch to myself?

Coppell is wonderful, and I am honoured to have him in my life. I need to relax and let things happen and not over analyse them to death.

Shower, bed, Patrick.

Busy week coming up with reports to be completed, a parents evening to attend, a mock exam to monitor and the first part of my Year 11’s actual GCSE to be sat. When I say busy, what I also mean is stressful.

I’m worried about my 10s and 11s; they are so poor at coming up with their own ideas for the final pieces they will need to make. I end up giving them ideas, and I find it hard going discussing with twenty kids their ideas and helping them. It’s very tiring.

Anyways, cheering myself by watching episodes of Drag Race and really looking forward to getting my hair chopped on Tuesday. Also, PAYDAY.

fourfour – A week with RuPaul

Interesting series of dreams this morning as I dozed; I went through several versions of the same scenario: Getting molested in a public place by a stranger and then beating the shit out of said man in retaliation, followed by feelings of shame and confusion.

The dreams were frightening, or at least I was very frightened in them. The feelings of fear, disgust and shame I felt as the men laid their hands on me were intense, as was the (probably) murderous rage I felt as I beat them into submission. No-one came to my aid as I was assaulted, even though I was very distressed; the people around me looked on passively as the man expressed his excitement and satisfaction at what he was doing. The fear and shame are still strong enough for me to remember them over twelve hours on.

Where has this bubbled up from?

I think that dreams are often a random jumble of images inspired from the world around you, a mishmash of thoughts and ideas. Sometimes, the planets align so to speak, and so the content of the dream reflects what’s going on in your real, emotional life, the stuff that gets filed away I guess. I have no science to base these thoughts on. I am anecdote.

Anyway, I would guess that these feelings of fear are associated with my fears about Coppell and his trustworthiness. I’ve only been in toxic relationships in the past and so these are the pattern I am hoping to break out from; given that dysfunction is all I know, I am afraid that Coppell might be lying because of my prior experiences and the separation involved. It’s over a week now since I came back from Pittsburgh, and we haven’t spoken since (both of us have been busy).

I have no evidence to support my fear. Time and commitment will help ease my anxiety, and having gone on trust for nearly six months I think its fairly impressive i’ve not fallen victim to fear and paranoia’s seductive charms before now. Well done me.

I remember from my teenage years I would often have very violent dreams about being attacked by animals or humans whilst onlookers sat idly by; the dreams of this morning are therefore nothing particularly new, just something rearing its head that I thought I’d chopped off.

[image]

INSET day today at a local school; as part of the day we did some drawing exercises involving not worrying too much about what we were drawing, but what we were seeing. I am still a bit afraid of drawing, and am not very confident when I compare my skills with those of my colleagues… The hour-long workshop was taken by the illustrator responsible for some of the covers to the Harry Potter series, Cliff Wright.

It was great to amongst like-minded people and to explore and create outside of need I guess- I wasn’t making something for the kids or communicating something to someone else. Just doing. Process. Thinking or the lack of it.

One of the teachers spoke to the group about the Artist Teacher Scheme course she is currently undertaking, and I was very interested in what she had to say. It’s a post-grad course that is a precursor to an MA that gets teachers making and then encourages them to use their new found critical approach in the classroom to further their practice and that of the kids.

The first non-MA part covers a year part time and costs a grand, and I must admit I am interested. It’s feasible for me to do (though it would mean wiping out any savings) and would be a hell of a challenge- to get back into making art is quite daunting. Something to ponder for a month or so I think.

I have been rather taken by the misshapen drawings I produced during the workshop and have started to collect images and ideas to take things further. Yes, I might be being creative in an artistic way outside of school.

GULP

Luchini
Camp-Lo
from Uptown Saturday Night
(1997)

Back when hip-hop was good…

I have this album and used to love listening to it on my Walkman on long car journeys. Good times.

West Wing –
The Midterms.

Fuck you,
you smug,
self-centred BITCH.

If you find yourself pregnant when you don’t want to be and live in the state of Virginia, a proposed bill will mean that you will need to have an ultrasound before you undergo a termination. The purported purpose of this is to determine foetal age and make sure that the woman terminating the pregnancy can be “fully” informed before making any decision.

In the United States, most (91.5%) abortions carried out are done during the first twelve weeks of a pregnancy, when the standard ultrasound approach of running a wand around the lower abdominal area of the body is not effective.

The trans-vaginal route means that an ultrasound wand in the shape of a dildo is inserted into the woman’s vagina; this ensures that a clearer picture can be attained than would be found externally. In the bill, it is proposed that the woman will be asked to look at a monitor displaying the foetus and also asked to listen to the heartbeat of the foetus, and whether or not she looks and listens will be recorded in her medical notes. Again, this is to ensure that the woman makes an “informed” decision.

So, what’s the medical need for the ultrasound before the termination?

There isn’t one.

What’s the medical need for the doctor to “obtain written certification from the woman that the opportunity was offered and whether the woman availed herself of the opportunity to see the ultrasound image or hear the foetal heartbeat”?

There is no medical need.

If I seek an abortion, being in an abortion clinic is a pretty clear sign that I know what i’m there to get. It’s not like I could have blundered into the clinic after mistaking it for oh, I dunno, a nail salon?

If I consent to an abortion, it’s because the medical need is to remove something that’s not entirely my own DNA, and I understand that as part of the abortion procedure i’ll need to take medication or have the contents of my uterus sucked and/or scraped out to remove the “products of conception” as they are so delightfully called. There is a need for all of those things, there is a *medical* need.

Just because I consented to being penetrated before does not mean that I give consent for anything and everything else to happen. I consent to sex, I consent to an abortion, I am informed as to what is involved. I do not consent to anything crossing my bodily integrity when it does not serve a purpose; approved purposes include for personal (pleasure) or medical needs.

*Anything* crossing my bodily integrity needs my consent. Specificity is required. If there is no consent, then that’s rape.

How about when the doctor is carrying out a prostate examination he or she reaches around, grabs the man’s cock and masturbates him. That would be wrong, right, because it’s a violation of bodily integrity and not medically necessary…? Nooooooo…….?

The United States of America. Land of the free.

Wikipedia – Sic semper tyrannis
Slate – Virginia’s Proposed Ultrasound Law Is an Abomination Dahlia Lithwick
Guttmacher Institute – excellent resource on sexual health in the US.

Odessa
Caribou
from Swim (2010)

Earworm of the day courtesy of Lauren Laverne

I should have showered.
I should be asleep.
What am I doing?

Watching episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Oh dear.

Because The Night
(originally from 1977)
Bruce Springsteen
from The Promise (2010)

Apologies to anyone checking out nopoke yesterday evening; I had completely forgotten to tell all five of you readers that my host was moving the server to a new location.

Instagram images by (l-r) hig67t, abfoss3, justintrakas; kennethmartin00, jennabenn11 and mdonaberger

Back from a lovely week in Pittsburgh with Coppell and Meathead; my week in the ‘burgh is probably the last time i’ll go there as Coppell moves to the UK in just over a month, and after that it’s India and Australia… I like the place, and it’s a bit of a shame I won’t be returning- it’s a city with character. However, at the moment I figure it’s great just to be in the vicinity of Coppell, wherever that happens to be.

It was *so* good to spend time with him. We didn’t do very much of note during the week, skipping the sightseeing of my last visit; instead, we passed the time running errands, wandered about, met up with one of his friends, watched films (saw The Artist), ate out and generally soaked up each other’s company. We piled up upon each other like puppies and I was very happy being happy. I got a couple of new bottles of nail varnish and there was even a pleasing amount of snow. Hurrah :)

I got my first ever Valentine’s card which was rather exciting (even if I did then forget to bring it back), and for the actual day itself Coppell cooked rib eye and chips with salad which is one of my faaaavourite combinations. Mmmmmmmmmeat :) We didn’t go out nor spend a lot of money, which is how I think the day should be spent.

I spent a lot of time playing with Meathead, as it will be a *very* long time before I see her again, if indeed Coppell and me make it that far. I hope so, because time spent with him is hugely exciting yet simultaneously calming. We’ve only spent twenty days in each other’s company, but there’d be a hell of a hole left if he wasn’t in my life, and that’s even though we’re separated by an ocean.

I am very sad that Meathead isn’t making the trip across that ocean, but I am super, super looking forward to Coppell being in the same country, same town as me… there are sooo many things I want to show him, do with him. It is all very exciting. Squeee :)

Jesus. It’s nearly 2am and i’m still not in bed. Waiting for my thumbnail to dry before I hit the sack; tomorrow I need to do the nails on the other hand, finalise my packing and get myself out the god-damned door.

So. Excited. This time tomorrow – weather permitting – i’ll be winging my way across the Atlantic to Coppell; i’m going via Washington this time, where i’ve never been before and i’m flying in a 777 which is also a new experience. Aside from trying to get the fucked up, not actually working seat allocation system United have to work, I am SUPER looking forward to my trip.

Packing, shaving and nail varnishing to do this evening, along with a lot of washing up :)

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…!

Not the best of days at work today; was observed doing form time by senior management and had one major area for improvement flagged up. I totally agree with what was suggested, yet at the same time I don’t… I can’t explain very well why this is, but I sort of don’t care?

I now realise that I should have got shot of my form three years ago; at the very first inkling of trouble I should not have persevered but asked to change forms straight away. All the effort I put in, strategies I try is for naught, because nothing will work until the girls mature into young adults and away from the childish, bitchy attitude that many of them currently display.

As part of the system, management ask the kids a variety of questions about their school life, including what they think of their form tutor. Only half of my form think I care about them. This really saddens me. I have no idea what if anything I can do about it, though perhaps they might prefer me if I was an always happy automaton, for that is the only way I can think of being that might be what the kids and management like- all shallow restraint, feelings set aside.

I’m fed up of school. I ponder my options with regards leaving my school or leaving the profession entirely but know that what with the economic situation i’m unlikely to find anything. When I feel down about work I feel down about where I live and how I seem to be unable to be unable to escape to something with more space, privacy and peace and fucking quiet. To live somewhere i’m not embarrassed by would be lovely, and that is even less likely to happen if I change career.

I like helping people and think i’m good at it, but outside of education I don’t have any idea of what I could do. I’ve always hankered to open a small, non-sleazy sex shop or do some gallery or museum educational outreach, but I have no capital, back up plan or ability with maths (:D) to make any of these ideas reality.

I can’t care less about the situation at school (care less as in prune my feelings), so it’s finding a way to keep going without becoming hugely down about things, as when i’m fed up i’m caustic, saying before thinking, and that is not a positive way to be. Perhaps I need to find something art-related to get my teeth into, maybe see if I can do an evening class or something?

I’m tired and can’t wait for tomorrow to just be OVER.

:/

Oh dear. I’ve just got started on Pinterest, AKA “Tumblr for Ladiez” and am merrily pinning pictures of the sex toys I own or want to own.

For some women it’s shoes, others couture, but for me it’s silicone cocks and high-end vibrators. God help me when I get started collecting underwear images. I guess that’s what Pinterest is- the Panini football album for the 2010s.

Jezebel – Pinterest Succeeds by Giving Ladies What They Want

Oh good God I don’t believe in I am looking forward to Saturday.

I totally forget about my impending trip to the land of Coppell and Meathead and then *bingo* I remember and reflexively smile or internally fizz and “Eeeeeee!”. The feelings within my head and innards are like the ones I used to get on Christmas eve when I was young, where i’d be all excited at what the morning would bring.

I am pondering what to do about Valentines Day. Do I make a card or not make a card? Technically, we’ve only been “going out” for fourteen days, so a card is more than a little forward. Also, I don’t know whether he does Valentines. I don’t even know if I “do” it, never having “done” so before. It’s something I am dedicating some processing time to, you know, so I can “spend” some time at work.

Then if I do decide to make a card, what the fuck do I write in it?

Aaaanyway, just a few more days to avoid mishaps before I can curl up Stateside; a few unfun meetings and an observation at work and then i’m freee… Just hope the weather doesn’t put the kibosh on my plans :/

I have been missing Coppell a bit more than usual over the last week or so, so it will be particularly sweet to be in his company again :)

(love, my new favourite font soymilk)

Just caught myself going ‘Eeeeeee…!’ with excitement in the shower at the prospect of seeing – and touching (!) – Coppell this coming weekend. I AM DORK.

Upon returning from my evening of sliding about on the streets (courtesy of snow) and the dance floor (courtesy of Northern Soul) I found a group of guys (I assume students as they seem to do fuck all) loudly conversing in the shared lounge in my building, a few metres away from where i’m going to try to sleep (after i’ve written this post).

I frequently hear them and their friends through the paper-thin walls of my small room and they (and others) piss me off as no-one should be making any noise past 11pm (it’s in everyone’s contracts).

“Evening gents-“, says I, “-It would be awesome if I could go to sleep this evening without having to listen to you, as that happens pretty often?”
“Thank you.” says one without looking at me.
“You’re so welcome!” I reply as I laugh and walk away. Dumbfucks. It’s half past midnight and you don’t give a fuck. So welcome!

I just lurrve not being able to afford to live anywhere better… It would be so, so great to be able to spend a night where I don’t have to use earplugs or recorded rainfall to mask out the inconsideration of my fellow building mates. UGH.

Sinus pain relieved by ibuprofen, decongestant, saline, home-made muffins and liberal application of Star Trek: TNG. It’s attempting to snow outside and I don’t much fancy going out again, but a bit of sliding about on a dance floor will be good exercise at the very least.

Thank frack it’s Friday.

That is all.

Found out last night that Meathead isn’t able to come to the UK after all, as the flat where Coppell is going to be staying doesn’t allow pets. She will stay with an Ex of Coppell’s where she will have a Boston buddy to be “special” around…

I am still a bit sad about not getting the opportunity to look after Meathead as I was excited at the prospect of spending some extended time in her company. I made her a personalised food bowl too…

:( :( :(

Just noticed the creepy body part substitution on H&M’s website whilst browsing: