Thinking further on my previous post: I trust Coppell. I know that if the shit hit the fan in an epic manner, he’d move heaven (we don’t believe in) and earth to make things happen. He’s not my white knight riding in to rescue me, but if there was a problem, yo, he’d solve it :)
Coming from a family where so much was left unsaid and where hiding your feelings was the order of the day, and having only been in dysfunctional relationships before, i’m still a bit of a skittish horse on some of the smaller aspects of our relationship.
I feel a bit temporary at times. I call him my “Significant Other” or “Person of Interest” because I feel very awkward calling him my boyfriend; we are in a committed relationship but I feel like we’ve been prevented from starting the relationship “proper” ‘cos of the distance involved. This is stupid, because again, he’s got my back and i’ve got his. We’ve not spent very much time together but through the wonders of modern technology we’ve spent hours in each other’s company. He’s been incredibly good at calling and keeping up with how I am.
I can still find it hard to engage with him. Having come through two relationships where I felt like I had to hide my feelings and was always afraid to act physically on how I felt, I still find it hard to give myself permission to do what I want. When Coppell pays me a compliment, my first instinct is to roll my eyes and mutter an embarrassed thanks; it’s like I don’t believe what he says.
Why? I respect and admire him, value his opinion and his patience. So if I do so when he’s talking about laptops or political issues, why not respect his opinion when he compliments me? What the fuck, monky? I don’t understand…
My self esteem is stronger than it has been in many a year. There are more positives than negatives when taking stock of my personality and features. Why be a bitch to myself?
Coppell is wonderful, and I am honoured to have him in my life. I need to relax and let things happen and not over analyse them to death.
Shower, bed, Patrick.
