Yearly Archives: 2013

Application for the local job done and emailed, next up is the online portfolio and the US sites.

This evening I started the process of setting up an online portfolio of work I do with the kids at school, in the hope that alongside my actual portfolio it will boost any applications I might make over the next wee while; I am signing up for a few US teaching placement companies in the (slim) hope that someone at an independent school takes a shine to what I do. And wishes to sponsor me for a visa.

Yes, haha and all that.

Even if it lends itself to naught, it helps me at least feel like i’m being proactive on the getting Stateside front.

Additionally, there’s a much more realistic post that’s come up at, lo and behold, my old secondary school- The very department that encouraged me to become an art teacher, because the teaching made me feel like a fucking stupid loser, with no ability at all. The result of being made to feel so inadequate was to make me determined as a teacher to try and help kids find value in all forms of art they do; everyone has something they are good at.

It’s a Head of Department role, which as usual i’m not sure I want, but the idea of dropping an art bomb on that fucking place is appealing enough to give it a shot. Kids that transfer there from my workplace tell me how terrible the place (still!) is, and how old-fashioned. Some of the most gifted children i’ve taught dropped out when they saw how utterly shit the department was, how limiting and enthusiasm-sapping and generally dire.

Application and online portfolio should be done over the weekend I think. Yay.

Petrichor: Setting a new personal best for length of first non-date dates, we got on like a house on fire pretty much from the get-go, and were stuck to each other like lovesick teens for the last seven days of my holiday in Colorado.

Yes, he’s the guy of the moment, who yet again happens to live on a different continent to me.

Petrichor’s very different from past objects of affection in some ways: He’s younger (or at least there’s a bigger age gap between us), he’s still studying, has astonishingly poor/brilliant home decorating ideas, and is super affectionate and demonstrative.

However, more familiarly he’s outgoing, well able to sling me over his shoulder and ferry me away from danger (for example when I get just that bit too excited in front of the ice cream cabinets at the supermarket), is well-blessed in the manfur arena and is really, really fucking smart. And lives just a little bit out of my postcode. So my type it would seem but then totally not.

What are we doing? Where is this heading?

We’ve not come to an agreement yet.

My approach is to chase Good Things like he seems to be, as I know they are uncommon beasts and giving my all to make things happen seems appropriate. He appears to be happy seeing how things go, whereas I’d appreciate some clarity and would like something to work towards. Most of the time I am fine and dandy, but i’ll admit that this causes difficulty for me on occasion, and periodically I feel very down about the situation, the uncertainties knocking me off balance.

Aside from the minor fact that he lives across an ocean, Petrichor might not wish to see me again, because of the geographical distance and time between hugs, nor continue what we had going on back in the Summer, continuing to see other people with no desire to move towards anything of permanence. Simultaneously we have a weird chemistry that seems to be industrial in strength and each think the world of the other. Oh look, here I am over-thinking yay! :/

After Coppell I am acutely aware that what appears to be awesome ain’t necessarily so, and I am trying hard to keep any anxieties under control – trying hard = deep breaths, distraction and long, hot, scented soaks in a darkened bathroom. Like I say it doesn’t always work, but until things are more settled, it’s the best I can do. I am hopeful that the Wellbeing Project might help me out with some of the stresses :D

Droplets – Image by me – Lost Gardens of Heligan July ’13

At work this past week i’ve started on what will hopefully be a year-long course that seeks to implement Cognitive behavioural therapy and allied treatments (mindfulness etc) in a way that specifically targets teaching staff.

Being a teacher fucks you up it would seem. Appalling drop-out rates for teachers accompanied with not insignificant mental and physical health difficulties seem to be par for the course (working ’til 68 is going to be sooo achievable), and things don’t seem to be getting better – no surprise there with all the changes in education courtesy of the ConDems.

The therapist who is leading the sessions took an interest after seeing increasing numbers of teachers coming through his doors; one of the Heads of Department at work was treated by him after suffering with work-induced depression – whilst an immense amount of pressure was being put on her from management, mind – and together they are piloting the project.

I know that the coming weeks will take hard work, and I am unsure as to whether my lazy-arsed self will step up and actually do something. CBT takes commitment and effort, which are things I do not shy away from in some areas of my life, but struggle with in others.

There have been times at work where i’ve felt terribly overwhelmed, persecuted, misunderstood and generally at the end of my tether. The worst time was a couple of years back after things ended with Coppell; looking back now I can recognise how deeply unwell I was, but it was only through time and distance from my job that I began to realise just how unhappy I was.

I regularly get pissed off with my superiors, management, education trends etc. and sometimes letting things roll off my back rather than getting it up would be a bonus. Though there’s a part of me that wonders whether that’s just giving up. Hmmm.

Much as teachers have a reputation for going on the sick at every opportunity, my experience has been that everyone at work drags themselves in when they really, really shouldn’t. Putting our needs first and helping ourselves without feeling guilt at not sacrificing our wellbeing to that of the kids we teach should take much higher a priority than it does currently.

I have a tendency to over-think things, worrying and ruminating on stuff that for my greater happiness I should not. This is literally the habit of a lifetime, so getting and then using tools to help with this is a positive thing. I can see how this will help at work and personally, whether that be in relationships or dealing with family issues, so it is more than worth the two hours a week i’m going to have to put in for the next few months.

David Didau – Why do so many teachers leave teaching?
Labour Teachers – Atrocious attrition: why do so many teachers leave?
Howard Stevenson – Teachers on strike: a struggle for the future of teaching?

A quick round-up…

So, back from an AMAZING three weeks in Colorado. I had a wonderful time exploring stunning landscapes, meeting both old friends and new people and eating strange American delicacies…

Things I discovered:

• Me and My Beloved Texan still get on like a house on fire, even after a seven year gap since we last saw each other. Hurrah!
• Colorado contains jaw-droppingly beautiful landscapes that I would very much like to explore further.
• I like hiking.
• Tea takes the most ridiculous amount of time to make due to just how slowly the kettle boils (thanks altitude).
• Hummingbirds are AMAZING (saw them for the first time and geeked the fuck out).
• Being a solo traveller means people like to have a chat with you, and I am quite able to initiate. Which is still a revelation. Finest example of this was the 15min conversation had in pouring rain with an economics lecturer from Indiana about the current economic situation in the US and UK. In the middle of a hike. In the middle of nowhere.
• Getting lost or taking a left can result in you stumbling over the most interesting places.
• Daniel Libeskind designing stunning-looking buildings does not always mean good art galleries…
• Cuban food is delicious, specifically mojo, as in the garlic, lime juice and olive oil sauce, plantain chips, yuca fries and jicama slaw.
• Bible camps are indeed a thing. Especially for kids named Ezekiel and Malachi.
• I can drive an automatic car with no problems.
• Bighorn sheep will move out of the way of your speeding vehicle without having to be encouraged… :/
• That being a mile up is quite the challenge for the first few days; I knew to expect this, but just how hard my heart thumped in my chest as I struggled up even small inclines was quite a shock. Things were much better after three or four days hurrah.
• That blueberry muffins can actually be tasty (I had thought they were sweet abominations), especially when combined with a crumb top.
• I really enjoy exploring on my own, at my own pace.
• White Castle burgers :D
• That some people take their coffee into the shower in the morning.
• A really smart guy codenamed Petrichor who happens to be [insert superlative here].
• Holding hands with someone can make me infeasibly happy.

National Park photography highlights:

Moraine Park

Bear Lake Trailhead – Nymph, Dream, Emerald lakes and Lake Haiyaha

Nymph Lake

Dream Lake

Emerald Lake

Lake Haiyaha
(post torrential rain!)

Nearing 12,000 ft on Trail Ridge Road

Chipmunk!

Glacier Gorge Trailhead – Mills and Jewel Lake

Alberta Falls

The approach to Mills Lake

The astonishing view of the start of Mills

Mills Lake in all its beauty

Walking on to the quietness of Jewel

Jewel Lake

Post-hike, on to Sheep Meadows without any Bighorn Sheep to behold…

Soothing my tired feet in the icy waters of the Roaring River at Alluvial Fan

Wild Basin – Calypso Cascades, Ouzel Falls and Ouzel Lake

I noticed this deer to the side of the trail by happy accident: I was looking around as I walked a part of the trail that did not need me to keep an eye on my footing.

The seemingly never-ending ridge towards Ouzel Lake that shows the forest in recovery from a fire in 1978

Fiinally at Ouzel Lake

There were only a couple of other hikers at the lake, and the (relative) solitude was wonderful after what had been a challenging hike for me (5+ miles to reach it).

Great Sand Dunes National Park

The tallest dunes in North America were around four hours drive south of Boulder, near a town called Alamosa. Milagros Coffee Shop was somewhere I stumbled upon that turned out to be great for breakfast – it turned out that it was supporting a variety of local charities, so I got to support women and kids through my morning cappuccino. Woo.

Waaaiittt… Those are GIANT FUCKING SAND DUNES!

The breath-taking view (literally after the climb!) from one of the smaller dunes.

Mills Lake, Rocky Mountain National Park.

The most *incredibly* beautiful landscape, as photographed on my hike a couple of days back. I sat and had leftover pizza on a boulder by the shore eeee.

Colorado: I’m having an excellent time so far, taking in a good mix of domestic life, scenery, food food food and culture. I’ve not been to this state before, so all the mind blowing scenery is a welcome thing indeed. I drove an automatic car for the first time and enjoyed it (cruise control is weird but useful), and also did not crash. Bonus.

I will be sad to come home boooooo… Fucking real world. Darn it.

I’ve been so wrapped up in making it through the heat to the end of term that I missed nopoke’s anniversary.

I know. I never call or buy it flowers.

TEN YEARS OF NAVEL GAZING.

image: Ten Steps by Leo Reynolds [cc]

The attempting to run attempt is back on, this time following the NHS Couch to 5K plan. It’s a series of podcasts hosted by a woman called Laura (who is far too positive), motivating you along the way. The music is pretty bad, and I still laugh at just how bad my form is and just how poor my level of general fitness is. So yes, if you see me galumphing about, I will be running in a rather haphazard way whilst laughing.

There are around eight weeks until I head off to Colorado, and I think I need to be in a better state of cardio fitness by that point. So, I now have a goal, which is something I was lacking before, so perhaps this time I will do better on the running front.

Hmm.

“We received a very large number of applications so please feel pleased with being selected for interview. As you could see, we had a very strong field and had to make some difficult decisions and we have offered the position to another candidate, who has orally accepted it.

You interviewed very well and your lesson was very well planned and well executed. We gave you very serious consideration and, had it not been for another particularly suitable candidate with more experience, we would have been very happy to appoint you. This was an extremely difficult decision as the field was both strong and very capable. We wish you every success and have no doubt you will find a job very soon.”

I feel neutral about not being offered the position- not put out or demoralised. I feel happy that I gave it my best, that they recognised my qualities but that I could not compete with experience. And that’s fine.

I do feel rather relieved I don’t have to make any sort of decision on whether or not to work there…!

How did the interview day go? Okay. Very rushed, with not enough time to reflect and ask questions, and only about five minutes to show the Head of Department the work I had put together in my portfolio. I still have a lot of questions about the place, how they do things, workload etc.

I answered all questions more-or-less okay, barring the odd slip-up, kept the laughing under control and didn’t feel very nervous, which surprised me. It was difficult to answer some of the questions put to me with enough clarity as the questions themselves were quite vague; if they’d been more specific I could have given a much clearer answer.

I was not told how much the salary is, which is what you would be paid in the state sector plus a little extra; how much extra, and how does it work with regards progression? I don’t know how assessment works in the department i.e. how anal they are on data, but from my interview with a deputy head it seems they use their discretion as professionals much more often.

Everyone was very welcoming and helpful, with the Art staff being personable and the sort that I could work with. The place was hilariously clean and well-resourced, with the kids not overly “posh” – middle class, yes, but not overly Yah.

At the time and upon reflection I don’t really feel “Ooooh – I really want to work there.” Is this a bad thing? I am not sure. As my boss says, perhaps it could be a stepping stone to something else?

Pros
£1 a day for a three-course lunch!
Free coffee and tea on tap
Slightly increased salary
Longer holidays
Intellectually able and curious pupils
Very well-resourced department
Supportive and engaged parents
Vastly reduced commute (I could even walk)
Free use of the on-site gym and swimming pool (yes, really)
Small group sizes
Professed commitment to research-based education
Professed commitment to staff development
Commitment to running classes no matter how small they are

Cons
Highly demanding parents that will put pressure on
No standard terms and conditions
Potentially longer hours
No such thing as supply teachers (staff do all cover)
Ideological objections to private education

Whatever the outcome of my time and efforts, I have a portfolio I can use in the future, and recent interview experience under my belt. I will find out by Friday whether i’ve been successful (there were four candidates for the position).

At the moment, if I don’t get it, because I was not overly wowed by the art or the place, I don’t think i’ll feel too down about it. I have a lot to look forward to over the Summer, and I am generally satisfied with my preparation and performance during the day. Nothing else to give, so there’s no point in dwelling.

Treating myself to a slap-up ready-meal this evening woooooooooooooo :D

Since around 2.30pm today I have felt a horrible case of nerves making its appearance within my innards.

Portfolio is almost complete, interview questions browsed and pondered, outfits compared. I need to finish off the final few bits of sticking this evening, polish my shoes and try to relax.

Job interview next Wednesday (if i’m allowed to go).

Fuuuuuuck.

Private girls’ school for smart cookies, teaching “pattern and observation” to a class of twenty-five Year 7s (I have always taught classes of thirty).

The plan is to reference the work of Alison Watt, Ingres and the trend for highly patterned schoolbags and pencil cases.

No portfolio to speak of. Zero free time at work. Ugggggggghhhh.

Hmm. Tried to get back onto the run/walk horse and succeeded (if this can be even remotely related to success) in managing one three minute run followed by two minutes of running before I gave up. I was supposed to be “easing back into things” by doing three sets of three minutes.

Once I escape from work for the Summer, I am HUGELY looking forward to going on not just one, but TWO holidays. Holy shit.

First off: Falmouth for Betty’s wedding. I have not been to Cornwall since I was a schoolgirl, so I am really looking forward to being back beside the sea, and in a room with a bed and wi-fi rather than a tent with a sleeping bag. Not that I dislike camping, but a mattress will be much appreciated. I don’t think i’ve ever been to Falmouth; as a family we used to spend Summers on the Lizard further down the coast. As well as the nuptial events, I am greatly looking forward to peering in rock pools ooooooo.

Last week I met up with Betty for beverages and reminiscing; it was the first time i’d seen her since, ooh, 1999, so it was pretty weird to be all grown-up upon meeting again. We had a really enjoyable evening, talking of school, friends, underachievement and the wedding-industrial complex.

She is a reluctant bride when it comes to the pressure to spendspendspend, and I can imagine how easy it is to get sucked into buying things that will “make” the day. Admirably, she’s managing to resist so far, so we talked about how the whole wedding thing is a bit strange in that it’s something that is important to the couple but of which they don’t always have ownership. Hmm.

Anyway, the wedding promises mucho dancing to 90s music, which I am SO looking forward to! No pressure dance-a-rama ahoy. Hopefully without the usually accompanying sticky floors and mild sexual assault. Woop.

Shortly after I get back from the South West, i’m off to house-sit for just shy of three weeks in Boulder, Colorado. A favourite Aunt divides her time between the US and the UK (she’s a professor of classics), so whilst she’s in Cambridge i’m going to water her plants back in Boulder.

I am SUPER excited about spending time in the States again; Boulder and its environs look glorious, and with the time I have there I can seriously indulge my love of National Parks. The weather is usually hot and sunny come August, and it will be grand to go on a proper hot weather holiday. My Beloved Texan (no, not that one) lives in Denver, so if she’s about, it would be ridiculously amazing to meet up with her again (we last saw each other in 2005).

I can read, hike (yes, I will do this!!), absorb the landscape, feel small, feel the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair, cruise pharmacy isles looking at all the weird stuff, drive endless highways with the windows down and the music up and drink a lot of tea (Boulder is apparently a tea rather than a coffee town).

I cannot believe my fucking luck! Or at least I cannot believe how much this is going to cost me. But. GOOD TIMES are in the offing!

So just a few months to worry about fidgety Icelandic volcanoes…

“My kids” AKA my form whom i’ve been form tutor to for five years are leaving at the end of the coming week, and i’m going to feel rather sad when they’re gone. Or at least i’ll feel sad that 27 out of 29 of them are gone. The manipulative, controlling girls who are absolute bitches to their peers, less so.

Whilst doing some mentoring this week, one of the kindest girls in my form told me that she wanted to thank me for what i’d written about her in her last ever report. She said that she started to read it out loud to her Mum, before they both began to lose their shit and sob, as what i’d written was so on the money.

My tutee told me that her Mum was so taken with what i’d written, and how accurate it was that she copied it and emailed it around to various members of their family. Her Mum was deeply touched that her daughter had had a tutor who so clearly knew and cared for her.

Me and the tutee then had a bit of a weep; it always means a lot to me to be told thank you. Sigh. It’s the small things that make all the shit worth it, or at least make the poor behaviour from the small minority tolerable. Some of the time.

This is why it takes me over ten hours to write reports:

“When writing this report, it is difficult to come up with enough superlatives to describe how wonderfully XXXX is getting on this term. This excellent set of review grades is very strong indeed, and she is making very good progress in all subjects, particularly in chemistry. She manages to balance her both her academic commitments with creative performance, which is highly admirable, and she should be commended on all her hard work.

Within the form she has been a reliable and approachable prefect for XXXX, working with large groups of people of different ages, which can be quite the challenge at times. Her vocal performances are of depth and quality, for example when contributing to the year 11 concert; she has also helped out with many charity fund-raising events.

On a personal level, XXXX continues to be one of the kindest, most personable members of the form. Her warmth and compassion towards others is hugely appreciated by her peers, and I will greatly miss her enthusiasm, humour and level-headedness. XXXX has much to offer, both personally and the academically, and I hope that, given time, Skye will come to more fully recognise the great many positive personal qualities and abilities she possesses. She will go far, and I am sure that whatever XXXX puts her mind to she will achieve.

It has been both an honour and a pleasure to be XXXX’s form tutor these past five years, and I wish her every success in the future.”

On the iPlayer this week, and a great watch: The Genius of Josiah Wedgwood

Enjoyable trawl through all things Wedgwood, through pots, marketing, science and anti-slavery campaigning.

Wedgwood Blue

Image: Guardian

During a few days spent visiting my family, I finally (it’s somewhere i’ve been meaning to visit for years) paid a visit to the Wedgwood Museum in Stoke-On-Trent.

Today, Stoke is an area that faces significant challenges in the form of serious deprivation (50% of inhabitants live in an area that is amongst the top 10% most deprived areas in England), high unemployment and the poor health of inhabitants. Back in the 17th-19th centuries it was a haven for all things ceramic, and was a prosperous place, with a significantly larger population than it has today. In the Potteries (the greater Stoke area) there were numerous companies working to produce ceramics that were shipped all over the world, used at the finest tables and for everyday domestic purposes – a shining example of British design and ingenuity.

I had a GREAT day at Wedgwood. The museum was stuffed to the gills with examples of work, both the finished articles and the experiments various members of the Wedgwood family used to create pieces.

Amongst the beautiful gilded plates and the familiar dusty-blue cameos, there were drawers and drawers of tiny test tiles showing experiments with clay and glazes. These methodical trials were fascinating, as they showed the blend of science, creativity and business acumen that ceramics can involve.

Image: courtesy Wedgwood – Tray of Jasper Trials – 1773

The best part of my day was the factory tour. Given that it was mid-week, the museum was pretty quiet, so me and my Mum got to have a private tour with our friendly and knowledgeable guide. I spent most of the forty minutes walking around like a dork, with a wide grin on my face as our guide led us around the factory.

I was so excited to see everything, the entire process from the vats where they mix up the clay to the workers carefully applying the gold to the edges of plates.

Image: FashionBite (alas no photos in the factory allowed)

It was really interesting to see how things are done on a large scale and then compare this with my experience making and teaching ceramics.

There was a mixture of hand-thrown and mould-made ware, so although there was an element of automation, there was still a large amount of human input.

I was pleased to see the employees finishing off pieces all had a mug of tea at their workbenches, and it was interesting to see the number and variety of hand moisturisers people used in an attempt to ward off the destruction of their skin.

Even the mould-made ware had to have the seams taken off (fettling), be turned and then smoothed (all by hand), so my horror at the prices of the finished pieces in the on site shop was tempered a bit when I saw the efforts put in by the workers. The high-end stuff was glazed five times before having the gold applied twice more, so a plate setting you back £800 didn’t seem as insane as it first appeared; that said, our guide commented that one Russian client recently ordered pieces for a forty place setting. Yikes.

I explained to our guide that I was an art teacher, and how interesting it all was to me, and I asked if the company takes on apprentices. He told me that they do, and that it takes between two and seven years to become competent, and even then employees are still monitored closely by master potters.

It made me happy to think that the myriad skills I saw were not being lost (seeing apprentices working was a bonus) but at the same time I know that a large chunk of what is produced under the Wedgwood name is made abroad, for example in Indonesia and China. All the prestige stuff is made at the Barlaston factory, but the more everyday isn’t, which is a shame; Wedgwood is part of a US owned conglomerate that includes Royal Doulton and Waterford Crystal, and of course many smaller companies have been absorbed, for example Minton.

Another reason for visiting was the news a couple of years back that the museum and collection might have to be sold off to plug a hole in the Wedgwood pension fund that was created when the company went into administration. The museum’s archives have been recognised as important by UNESCO, and to think that such a wonderful collection with insight into not just manufacturing but social history too could be broken up and sold to the highest bidder is hugely sad.

So, somewhere to visit as soon as you can. I’d really recommend it.

Also, it has an awesome factory outlet selling seconds and discontinued ceramics and glass which is definitely worth a trip to…

Where it’s very cold outside and your thighs are freezing through the jeans that don’t quite fit and the rubbing of the fabric against your cold skin becomes so unbearable it’s all you can think about and is so uncomfortable you have to seek out M&S and try something on just so you can clutch and claw at your skin like an auto-zombie.

It’s rolling around to a year since Coppell and Meathead left my life. Time has flown whilst at the same time dragging. Dragging, in that I still have unresolved thoughts and feelings about him, unresolved in the sense that I still have them, when I wish I didn’t.

As time has passed these have lessened in frequency and strength, but I think that, until I am in a new relationship, there will always be lingering issues. I’ve written about this before- I need new memories to obliterate the old, and from experience I know that something casual will not give me what I need.

The ending of the relationship and Coppell’s behaviour towards me was awful. It was the most difficult experience of my life to date, but I can look back and see that there were problems in the relationship at the time, but that I gained much from the experience.

Problems?

Coppell. As someone who was going through a divorce (which was something he didn’t reveal when we first got together), he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He was enamoured with me, and the idea of being in a relationship with me, but the reality of the situation was rather different. He needed time to work through his thoughts on the matter, which he didn’t give himself. Lying his way out of our relationship, and his lies afterwards indicated a real lack of maturity and understanding. Also, the after effects of a terribly difficult upbringing were still evident, in ways that I do not think he was fully aware of.

He wasn’t very reflective, and this really showed in how he ended things and his poor behaviour towards me. Unable to recognise or admit his errors, he is destined to repeat his mistakes, unless he is forced to review his actions. The manner in which he seemed to instantly justify his poor choices was disturbing to me; where I was seeking deeper emotional connection, I think that for a seemingly sensitive person he sought to keep things “light” and non-committal. Again, this is not what I was seeking, and because he lacked self-awareness, I paid the price.

Gains?

I talk to people more. In that, when i’m out-and-about I talk to fellow citizens. It often comes out a bit clunkily, but I engage much more than I did in the past; I think this is from Coppell’s confidence and my time spent in the States. As someone who is an introvert and enjoys thinking rather too much, this is quite a difference.

I stood up for myself and my needs when everything fell apart, and would not let myself be used, which is a huge change from my past relationships. I communicated clearly what I wanted, which again is a difference; this is definitely due to Coppell, as he encouraged me to talk about stuff, checking in on how I was doing to gauge my feelings. Talking about how I feel is often very difficult for me.

For the first time in a relationship I gained sexual satisfaction. Coppell was most definitely GGG, which is what I always hope to find in a partner. Although, I always felt like I wanted more sex and intimacy than I got, and initiating is still an area of difficulty for me; this is something I was getting more confident in doing, but I never felt entirely comfortable i.e. secure in doing so, as I saw Coppell so infrequently.

As much as it’s rather painful after the fact, for the first time my partner clearly articulated just how wonderful he thought me. For the first time, I was beautiful. This meant a lot to me, and still does (even if it makes me weep to recall it now), as I am not someone used to compliments, and I am not a woman who either is – or chooses to aspire to being – typically attractive.

Just as being repeatedly turned down for jobs builds your ability to cope with rejection, I give less of a shit about going on dates. When me and Coppell hit it off it was so easy, with very little angst ahead of time. I’m not sure if this is entirely positive however, as I need to take care that being less worried about dating does not translate into “I don’t care about you” instead.

Thanks to delicious dinners at a Pittsburgh Middle-Eastern fast-food establishment, I found I could indeed enjoy houmous, which I had previously thought disgusting. It now makes up one of my favourite dinners: buttered wholegrain toast slathered with houmous, cheddar and topped with a poached egg. YUMMMM.

As I searched for ways to feel better post-relationship, I started to seriously save and budget, for the first time. This meant I could move out of the shit hole I had lived in for getting on four years, that was no good at all for my well-being.

I am someone who tends to hover around the same weight for years at a time, going up or down a couple of kilos either way. Since moving home, i’ve lost weight beyond those couple, and this has been quite a surprise to me as it was so unexpected. I guess I was comfort eating to a certain extent to cope with my poor living conditions and lack of hope? I dunno.

Other good things: I have a new-found appreciation of dogs, in that I can see how much wonderful they bring to humanity. Before I met Meathead I had more experience with babies than I did dogs, so I was blown away by her weeing-when-excited fabulousness.

I still miss Meathead :(

At the moment, Coppell is someone whom I consider to have a lot of potential to be a great partner, but not for me at the current time. He needs a hell of a lot of time to work through things, and he needs a lot of time to become more mature in how he handles things. Right personal qualities for me, wrong time for him. The relationship showed me a glimpse of what could be, but that’s not reality.

Post-relationship i’ve been on two dates, which in a year is better than my previous two-and-a-half-year “performance”. There’s absolutely no-one on the horizon to speak of, which gets me down at times – I tend to not give a shit the majority of my days, but then wallow in self-pity every-so-often – so getting engrossed in Art or pondering my career is something better to spend my time on. Oh and browsing Fuck Yeah Boston Terriers or The Daily Frenchie.

Sigh.

It’s my first week of two weeks of freeeeedom from my workplace. Hoo-fucking-ray.

This week I went to see A Bigger Splash at Tate Modern before it closed; it’s always inspiring to be around so much art, no matter what sort it is (i.e. I liked some but not all of the work!). At the same time, the excitement I feel at art exposure is usually accompanied with a harder edge, as I am aware that making art is something I so rarely do. I get all stimulated but have no outlet. Haha.

I met up with Le Grande Homme Brum and La Rousse for another highly enjoyable dinner, and whilst talking to them about how much I was enjoying my pottery course, I was reminded that I need to try and make some headway on the “lack of art” problem. I need to make some space, both physically in terms of somewhere to work, and mentally too, in that instead of browsing crap on t’internet, I should spend my time outside of work more productively, as this will undoubtedly be A Good Thing.

The Parentals paid a visit on their way back from a wedding, and again I found myself pondering my career, what direction – if any – to take, and what things in life are important to me. I have no “five year plan”, and this is something that I think might be of benefit to be in possession of, as I feel like I spend a lot of time “existing” instead of “living” i.e. with no particular aims as to what I want to work towards. It’s that working towards something that seems to be lacking in my life at the moment, but whether this is just a need for hope that is wildly misplaced I am unsure.

Anyway, I now have a workspace THAT IS NOT TO BE USED FOR ANYTHING BUT ART (my rules) courtesy of Ikea, which is exciting if not slightly daunting because, actual effort is required. But a table is a start. And that is A Good Thing.

Is it because the days are getting brighter, or due to the pleasure I am getting from my ceramics class, or something completely random: Some small amount of progress is actually being made on the sorting my room out front. Ye gads.

I’ve constructed a couple of small side tables and painted and varnished one of them (hello green and pink legs), got some photos printed out and framed, bought a small lamp to read by and hung up all the clothes that i’d chucked over the end of my bed “temporarily”. I feel more motivated to get things done, which is decidedly weird.

How long will this last I wonder…?

Fuck. Just found out that my personal tutor from my PGCE days died back in December. Suddenly, apparently.

I last saw him in November, which was the first time in years, when we crossed paths whilst I was on my way to visit work experience students. I was so happy to see him, and our five minute chat brightened my day hugely. He seemed very pleased to see me too, asking how I was, whether I was making any work and mocking my hair.

He was a notorious flirt, and the phrase “lovable rogue” could have been made for him; he was an excellent tutor, and I found him both hugely supportive and intellectually stimulating. He was a big asker of questions, and he was the first teacher to be an inspiration to me.

My week of freedom away from the chalkface was uneventful, mainly because I spent the entirety of it being ill. It started with chills that alternated with sweating spells, and progressed to what the internet told me was probably bronchitis, and after two weeks my voice is still not back to normal and i’m still slightly snotty and phlegm-y. Delicious. It makes work a bit more of a challenge, as I can’t raise my voice as I would usually do when I want to get a class’s attention- things take a bit longer.

On a more positive note, my week was spent mostly in the company of my brother, sans parents, which was great. It was lovely to spend time with him, just chatting about random stuff, even if large chunks of time were spent watching him play on the PS3. If it involves Batman, I can’t help myself.

Work has paid for me to go on a fifteen-week ceramics course, which is turning out to be fabulous. It’s on a Monday evening after work, Pilates and shoving food down my face, so I was a bit concerned that I might find it all a bit much. However, my first class was great. I’ve decided to make a hand-built jug, and so slowly but surely i’m building upwards. I am pretty slow!

I had to do some drawing of jug designs and have a sketchbook to keep everything in one place, which is all very satisfying. The other attendees are a mix of ages and experience levels (mostly women), some of whom have been coming to classes for eighteen years. Yes, they enjoy it that much.

Hmmm… what else. Oh, still searching daily for a new job whist continuing to question what I should be doing with myself both on the work front and in my free time. Flat still mired in unopened boxes. Running gear sitting unused. Too much time spent looking at photos of dogs on the internet. Same-old-same-old.

Things that have been circling around my brain over the last couple of weeks:

Leia Ewok Village’s Mum has been diagnosed with something that fulfills the saying, Life: A Terminal Disease. This has been upsetting, in that this is the first close friend whose parent has been given an estimate as to how much life they might have to live. Her Mum’s been very ill with an infection, so as well as having to deal with her diagnosis, Leia’s had to deal with her Mum needing quite a lot of care to get her back to a happy medium.

Leia and her Mum are pretty much on their own, with no close family nearby, and it has been difficult for me being a train ride away when she could do with some support. Taking personal time off at work is always very difficult if the reason is not a close member of your family, so i’ve had to write and text. Me and Flambé went to see her over the weekend, and it was great to all be together, but I felt sad that we had to leave, knowing that then she would be alone again.

Better news today in that Mrs Ewok Village is being discharged on Friday hurrah, and that the hospital are arranging some help with care and meals so that Leia can get back to work if she wants. Knowing how things are, however, I will be amazed if any of this proffered help actually materialises, as the NHS and social care working together is an unusual event.

What else. Oh, WORK. God. I’m not happy, and although i’m trying to hide it, I don’t want to be there and it occasionally shows. I was talking to the head of Drama and she was concurring with my yawning, saying that she was exhausted and that the creativity had gone from her teaching, and how it made her sad. I was in total agreement with her statement.

Aside from finding a new job, I could really do with a break, so half term is going to be incredibly welcome. I’m tiiiiired. I’m going to spend a few days with my brother, as the parentals are away, so we can do some sibling bonding. I am muchly looking forward to it.

Unpacking – Not much has happened. I’ve got some fabulous curtains courtesy of my Mum’s sewing skills, but I can’t put them up as I can’t reach the rail. I might have to borrow another ladder. Yikes. I’ve got quite a bit of art to put up on the walls (Hello Crockett) but I need to buy some frames; I’ve been drooling over the linocuts on Etsy, and I am looking forward to seeing the couple of things i’ve recently ordered:

Boston Terrier with Pink Antlers
by Stuff You’ll Love

and

Prickly Heart Linocut
by Carol Bold

What with work being so unsatisfying, i’ve been thinking about the Summer and what i’m going to do. Can I afford to go on holiday, or would my time be better spent – and less money spent – by staying at home and doing some art or making plans for the future as to how I can enrich my life a bit more. Last year I said “Maybe next year” when I was feeling down about the holidays, but I don’t know whether I can afford to do so this year. Sigh.

Oh, HELLO Valentines Day. How I have missed you.

barf

Valentines last year: For the first time in my life, the day coincided with my being in a relationship, and I received my first every Valentines card (that I forgot to bring back with me…). I was paying my second visit to Pittsburgh, and I was soooo happy and excited to be in the company of Coppell and Meathead. It was very snowy, and possibly one of my most cherished memories of my trip – and of our relationship – is of taking Meathead out for a wee whilst her master slept in.

It was a beautiful morning – full sun with crystal clear blue skies – and the snow was deep and powdery – my trainers were not exactly suitable for the conditions! As Meathead scampered about the field snuffling for a suitable wee spot, I giggled with glee as she led me along on the lead. The snow sparkled beneath us and I felt I was experiencing some special pure joyous moment.

Sigh.

A Cottage For Sale
Judy Garland Show, #2

Her face is mesmerising, the performance stunning. God, the emotion. Perfect.

So there was a job teaching art in Chicago at an International School that came up recently; I could *totally* do the job, and the idea of fleeing the country – and my life here – was highly appealing.

I spent over a week crafting my letter of application, only to get turned down the day after I sent it in.

This has saddened me more than I thought it would.

I’m fed up. Things are nowhere as bad as they were last Summer, but i’m pretty disheartened with work. I’m tired of the same bullshit cropping up every year, and i’m starting to wonder whether teaching is ever going to be right for me, given what is happening in education as a whole.

Everything could be better, if I just wasn’t living this life. Which, turning that around, I am saying that my life is unsatisfying, and I am looking for something or someone white knight-style to ride in and rescue me. Which is utterly ridiculous. Moving somewhere to “escape” would probably mean that the problems I ponder would just follow me there.

I look to a life without a partner, which is sensible, given the likelihood of this happening, and life expectancy. This is absolutely fine the majority of the time, but occasionally someone will ask me if i’m seeing anyone and then suddenly my eyes are a little more moist and I feel a pang of emotion in my chest, all from seemingly nowhere.

I’m still on OKCupid, but I check it infrequently as I am resigned to there being no-one of interest on there; colleagues I talk to about it don’t understand why I am not dating. There’s just… nothing…

The job application gave me something to hope for, and something to work towards, and now it’s back to Earth with a sniffle.

A wonky panorama of the view from my desk yesterday afternoon, after i’d been sent home early from work due to the weather.

It’s not something I would have thought i’d be into (which is stupid, as hello, i’m human), but i’ve discovered that I can happily while away lots of time just looking out the windows by my desk; I people watch, dog watch, and speeding car watch (there’s a speed camera 100m down from the flat). Yes, I am that old lady twitching her net curtains.

I watch the kids enjoying themselves in the playground, climbing all over stuff, learning how to play well with others, I watch the dogs snuffling through the snow, the joggers picking their way along in their luminous outfits. It gives me an enormous sense of well-being. My flat is a comfortable outpost that helps me feel less stressed out, and better overall; I have a stronger feeling of living rather than just surviving. It’s great, even if I have much less money to spend and save each month.

After I got home (an hour-and-a-half to get seven miles), I went for a wander around the park opposite. Lots of kids of all ages, families out for a wander, snowball fights, kids rolling off sledges as they overturned at the bottom of slopes and excited dogs bounding about.

I was particularly taken with this small Border Terrier having a wee nearby.

Hello little dog!

It’s super to be so near a green (white!) space, and even on the greyest, softest day, there will always be something of interest.