Monthly Archives: September 2015

Whilst trawing through what’s coming up in terms of US TV, I checked in on what’s going on with Hawaii Five-0 these days; I used to be proper into it, but I got a bit fed up with the crime-of-the-week stuff and fell off the surfboard many seasons back. Anyway, my favourite Danny/Scott Caan has apparently had a time of it recently, and had gotten stabbed by an abusive ex-boyfriend of his current partner.

Stabbed…? Hmmm. Given my particular interest in such things I went straight onto Google images, and after a bit of searching discovered WHUMPING. It appears that there are thousands of “sick fucks” just like me – women and men who have an appreciation of vulnerable or hurt fictional characters.

I mean, I know humanity is a fabulous broad and diverse thing when it comes to what turns us on, but I had no idea that there were communities out there – if you look up traumaphilia there’s not much, aside from definitions and me writing about it (haha), but type in whump, and lo and behold:

It appears that all this whumping directly originated from Stargate SG1, but was informed by the earlier Muldertorture (exactly what it sounds like) where bulletin boards started to fill with fanfic stories of Mulder not being in the best shape. Hurt/comfort is a very big thing online it would seem, which has been quite the revelation for someone who has thought for over a decade that my interest was very very niche indeed.

Whilst gleefully digging into the subject, and triggering off artwork ideas aplenty, I came across this amazing video that is a great summation of the what behind my particular kink: On The Prowl NSFW

[takes notes and scribbles furiously]

First pay packet from the new place and i’ve splurged on a takeaway and a new pair of work shoes. Decadent!

This weekend it’s university references for the kids in my form which means that, as befitting a grammar school, the majority are applying for medcine, PPE (SIGH), bioscience etc. at Oxbridge or other high flying institutions. I’ve got to combine together all their subject references and fit them all into 4000 characters; apparently each one should take around an hour. I have eight. Yay!

Also, I know I have a life-long commitment to Pitta bread, but I think I could cheat on it for Naan. Fuck me I could eat that ’til the cows come home (and obese me is rolled through the front gate).

Moab, 2014.

After doing that whole “Oh, stressed/anxious/upset/low mood/brainswirl-thing” and waking up at 4.45am this morning, I am glad for a calmer evening, and hopefully, a solid night’s sleep.

Feeling really bummed out today, thanks to a Facebook friend request of all things.

Why would anyone think that, after dumping me, what i’d be *totally* up for is taking in the glorious digital vista that is him in a new relationship. WTF?

I remember having a conversation with Petrichor where he asked what would happen if I found someone else whilst we were apart; I guffawed and told him that i’d spent years doing the online dating thing and that I averaged out at two dates a year, so, given the lack of interest I think it would be rather unlikely that I would be tempted by anyone quite as awesome as he.

Oh the irony.

Perhaps he thought that as time has passed I would be up for being digital friends? Why is email not okay but Facebook somehow is? No real connection, but digital grazing and rubbernecking. I’ve worked hard at staying away from anything to do with him online, and so it was a *huge* surprise to see him in my friend request list today. He is the only ex I still care about, and I have an enormous soft spot for him, but he’s in a relationship, I am not, and I have zero desire to see what I cannot have.

The memory of him is still vivid even after all this time, as there has been no-one to be intimate with, share new experiences and make new positive memories with. I work on finding creative fulfilment, try to inspire and help kids, do my course, go to pottery, make piles of washing up, get sucked into gaming and, a couple of times a year, get to go on a date; there are no fireworks or particular high points but most of the time i’m happy, even as I carry around both my affection for him and my sense of loss at his decision to exit my life.

It’s a quiet life, and as much as I am in the present and I look to the future, he lives on in my memories, daydreams and fantasy-life. Thinking about him is comforting when I am feeling lonely and small.

I declined his request.

Oh, and he still looked terribly handsome :(

Brighton by me by moonlight.

Made it through one week at my new job. Yayyyyyy!

It’s glum city at the nopoke nest this weekend; tired from a long week of long days, then back to work Saturday morning to help invigilate exams. I have a sketchbook i’ve been putting off completing for over a fucking month which I know I need to get completed today, when I feel I need to sort out what the fuck i’m doing work-wise. Ugh.

Work: My new workplace has been totally shite at giving me what I need to do my job – most schools do an induction before you start, giving you all the log ons, data, door codes, ordering info etc. that you need to do the basics; i’m still finding out how to do everything, and it gets a bit tiring to keep being bouncy and positive meeting new people.

On the plus side, my colleagues have been incredibly helpful – other teachers, admin staff, my line manager; everyone seems very friendly, and it’s an adult workplace – plenty of swearing and colourful complaining about children and parents. Yes, of course, we had that at my last place, but straightforwardly and openly describing rude, annoying kids as “shits” would never, ever happen. It’s a refreshing change! Also, people seem to socialise – much as I usually turn such things down, I actually went to the pub after school on Friday. Didn’t do that once in eight years at my last workplace.

The department needs a huge amount of work in terms of sorting shit out – it’s full to bursting with boxes and jars of this-and-that with gadgets everywhere. It’s awesome that we have a 3D printer, but what I really want to know is where the fuck the paintbrushes live? Christ. Anyway, I feel like I have very little handle on what’s going on – I need to spend time thinking deeply about what changes I want to make, but it’s so full-on that I think surviving for the first year will be achievement enough, not to mention that the department is expected to get ridiculously high grades :/

Things have gotten slightly easier as the week has gone by, but there’s a parents evening this week, after-school meetings, and university statements to sort out. I also have to teach haha. I’m not used to such long days – get in at 7.45am, leave at 5.30pm when I get chucked out, then another couple of hours at home. I know it won’t be like this forever but boy, I will be glad when it’s half term.

Also, I need a fucking haircut.

Oh and my uni presentation went well – much as I thought I rushed it and found it very difficult to talk, I got really positive feedback and didn’t fail – quite the opposite in fact :)

And I went to Brighton for Leia Ewok Village’s birthday, got ill and came home early.

And went on a date with a guy where there were uncomfortable silences as I struggled to know what to talk about. Thanks but no thanks.

And me and OKCupid recently celebrated our five-year anniversary together. Seven dates in five years.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.